Talking to Children About Violence: A Guide for Parents

Age-Appropriate Explanations: Tailoring Conversations About Violence to Your Child’s Needs

When talking to children about violence, it's essential to consider not only their age but also their individual sensitivity, maturity, and previous exposure to violent events. Every child is unique, and their reactions can vary widely. Here’s a guide to help parents provide explanations that are appropriate for different age groups, while keeping in mind that adjustments may be necessary based on your child’s personal experiences and emotional needs.

Preschoolers (Ages 3-5)

Understanding and Sensitivity

Preschool-aged children have limited comprehension of complex issues and may not fully grasp the concept of violence. Their understanding is often based on what they see and hear directly, and they may have a hard time distinguishing between fantasy and reality.

How to Explain

• Keep explanations very simple and reassuring. For example, if they see or hear something about violence, you might say, "Sometimes people get hurt, but the helpers are making sure everyone is okay now."

• Focus on safety. Reassure them that they are safe, and that the adults around them are there to protect them.

• Avoid exposing them to violent images or news, as these can be particularly frightening at this age.

  
  

Sensitivity Consideration

Be mindful that some preschoolers may be more sensitive and might become anxious even with minimal information. In such cases, limit discussions to only what they ask about, and focus heavily on comfort and reassurance.

Early Elementary Schoolers (Ages 6-9)

Understanding and Sensitivity:

Children in this age group begin to understand the concept of right and wrong and may start asking questions about why violence happens. They might be more aware of events but still have difficulty processing the reasons behind them

How to Explain

• Provide straightforward explanations. For example, "Sometimes people hurt others because they are very angry or upset, but there are people who work to stop that and keep everyone safe."

• Be ready to answer questions they might have, but keep your responses simple and honest. Avoid overloading them with details.

• Reassure them about their safety and the safety of those they care about.

  
  

Sensitivity Consideration

Some children may be particularly sensitive to discussions about violence and might have nightmares or increased anxiety. Monitor their reactions and provide extra comfort as needed. For these children, focus more on the positive aspects, such as the role of police, firefighters, and other helpers.

Preteens (Ages 10-12)

Understanding and Sensitivity

Preteens have a more developed sense of morality and can understand more complex explanations about violence. They may also be more exposed to violent content through media or peers, leading to more questions and concerns.

How to Explain

• Offer more detailed explanations. For example, "Sometimes people use violence because they are angry or feel like they don’t have another way to solve their problems. It’s wrong, and that’s why we have laws and people who work to stop it."

• Discuss the importance of empathy and peaceful conflict resolution. This can be a good age to introduce concepts like justice and fairness in a broader context.

• Encourage open dialogue, letting them express their fears or concerns without judgment.

  
  

Sensitivity Consideration

Preteens can vary widely in their emotional responses. Some may handle discussions of violence calmly, while others may internalize their fears. Be attentive to signs of anxiety or stress, such as changes in behavior, sleep disturbances, or reluctance to engage in usual activities.

Teens (Ages 13-18)

Understanding and Sensitivity

Teenagers are capable of understanding the complexities of violence, including its social, political, and ethical dimensions. They are likely already exposed to a considerable amount of information through the news, social media, and conversations with peers.

How to Explain

• Engage in honest, open discussions. Teens can handle more in-depth conversations about the causes and effects of violence, including societal issues like injustice, discrimination, or mental health challenges.

• Encourage critical thinking and ask for their thoughts and feelings on what they hear or see. This can lead to more meaningful discussions about how violence affects society and what can be done to prevent it.

• Acknowledge the emotional impact of violence, and discuss healthy ways to cope with feelings of anger, fear, or sadness.

  
  

Sensitivity Consideration

While teens may appear more resilient, they can still be deeply affected by violence. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and be alert to signs of depression or anxiety. If they seem overwhelmed, remind them that it’s okay to seek help from a trusted adult or mental health professional.

Steps Parents Can Take

1.    Limit Exposure: While complete sheltering may be impossible, limiting your child’s exposure to violent news reports and images can reduce anxiety. Consider watching the news together so you can discuss it in real-time, providing context and reassurance.

2.    Focus on Safety: Emphasize the measures being taken to ensure their safety. Whether it’s the presence of security at school or the actions of authorities, helping your child understand that there are people working to keep them safe can be reassuring.

3.    Encourage Emotional Expression: Allow your child to express their emotions, whether through talking, drawing, or another creative outlet. Validate their feelings and offer comfort.

4.    Model Calmness: Children often take cues from their parents on how to react to stressful situations. By remaining calm and composed, you can help your child feel more secure.

5.    Seek Professional Help: If your child is struggling to cope with their emotions, consider seeking the help of a professional, such as a therapist or counselor. They can provide additional support and strategies to help your child process their feelings in a healthy way.

Resources for Parents

• American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP): Offers resources on how to talk to children about violence and other traumatic events.

• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): Provides guides for parents on discussing traumatic events, including tips for different age groups.

• Child Mind Institute: Offers articles and videos on helping children deal with news of violence, focusing on managing anxiety and fostering resilience.

  
  

Conclusion

Talking to children about violence is never easy, but with the right approach, parents can help their children process difficult information in a healthy way. Remember, every child is different, and what works for one may not work for another. By providing a safe space for open communication, offering age-appropriate explanations, and seeking professional support when needed, you can help your child navigate their emotions and feel more secure in an uncertain world.

If you're unsure about how to approach this topic or if your child seems particularly distressed, don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. Their expertise can be invaluable in guiding your child through these challenging conversations.

Eugene Roginsky, LCSW, CEO of Bridge2Horizon Psychotherapy and Counseling Services in Lake County, Illinois, frequently collaborates with parents to navigate difficult conversations with their children on sensitive topics such as violence, anxiety, bullying, grief, and family dynamics. His approach is rooted in providing compassionate guidance to help families foster open communication and emotional resilience. To discuss your family's needs, please schedule a complimentary consultation.