Understanding Fear of Abandonment and Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition often marked by an intense fear of abandonment. This fear can cause individuals to perceive even minor relationship disruptions as devastating rejections. This sensitivity stems from the ideology of the condition, often rooted in early attachment trauma, emotional neglect, or invalidation during formative years. Even individuals with borderline features—traits of the disorder without meeting full diagnostic criteria—can experience similar challenges.
Fear of Abandonment and Splitting
One of the hallmarks of BPD is the persistent and overwhelming fear of being abandoned. This fear can manifest in desperate efforts to avoid perceived rejection, including behaviors like excessive reassurance-seeking, intense emotional outbursts, or preemptively ending relationships to "protect" oneself from anticipated hurt.
Closely related to this fear is the concept of splitting, where individuals view people or situations as entirely good or entirely bad. This black-and-white thinking can create volatile relationships, as loved ones might feel alternately idealized and devalued.
Undiagnosed BPD: Recognizing the Signs
Many individuals with BPD go undiagnosed, often because their struggles are misattributed to other conditions like depression, anxiety, or mood disorders. This lack of diagnosis can delay essential treatment and create confusion for those affected and their loved ones.
Here are some potential signs to look out for:
Emotional Intensity: Rapid and extreme mood swings that seem disproportionate to the situation.
Fear of Abandonment: Extreme reactions to real or perceived rejection, such as panic, anger, or withdrawal.
Unstable Relationships: Alternating between idealizing and devaluing loved ones.
Impulsivity: Risky behaviors, such as reckless spending, substance use, or self-harm.
Identity Disturbance: A shifting sense of self, leading to feelings of emptiness or instability.
Difficulty Regulating Emotions: Intense anger, sadness, or anxiety that is difficult to manage or control.
If you or someone you know exhibits these patterns, seeking an evaluation from a mental health professional is critical. Early diagnosis and intervention can greatly improve outcomes.
How Borderline Personality Disorder Impacts Relationships
BPD and borderline features can significantly strain relationships. Family members and partners may struggle to navigate the emotional intensity, rapid mood shifts, and seemingly unpredictable reactions. Misunderstandings can escalate quickly, leaving both parties feeling hurt and confused. Without intervention, these patterns can perpetuate cycles of conflict and emotional disconnection.
Hope Through Treatment
While BPD and its features can be challenging, they are also treatable. Several evidence-based approaches provide hope:
1. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, DBT is considered the gold standard for treating BPD. It teaches skills in emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and mindfulness, equipping individuals to navigate their emotions and relationships more effectively.
2. Schema Therapy: Focuses on identifying and addressing deep-seated patterns and beliefs that contribute to problematic behaviors.
3. Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT): Helps individuals understand their own emotions and the perspectives of others, reducing impulsivity and interpersonal conflict.
4. Medication: While no specific medication treats BPD, mood stabilizers, antidepressants, or antipsychotics can help manage co-occurring symptoms like anxiety or depression.
A Positive Outlook
Research supports the effectiveness of these treatments. A longitudinal study by Zanarini et al. (2012) found that with appropriate interventions, 85% of individuals with BPD achieved symptom remission within 10 years. Importantly, this highlights that BPD is not a life sentence but a condition that can improve with commitment to treatment.
For individuals struggling with BPD or borderline features, and for their loved ones, it is vital to seek professional support. Therapists trained in DBT or other BPD-specific modalities can guide individuals toward healthier relationships and emotional well-being.
This article only scratches the surface of this complex, but treatable condition. BPD may bring unique challenges, but with the right support and tools, those affected can lead fulfilling lives, free from the constraints of fear and splitting. As Dr. Linehan emphasized, “People with BPD are like people with third-degree burns over 90% of their bodies—they simply lack the emotional skin to protect themselves.” Treatment helps to build that protective layer, offering a path to healing and hope.
Eugene Roginsky, LCSW, is the owner of Bridge2Horizon Psychotherapy and Counseling Services, PLLC. As a psychotherapist in Lake County, Illinois. Eugene has been working with individuals, couples, and families for over 28 years.
Resource
National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD): https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org
Reference
Zanarini, M. C., Frankenburg, F. R., Reich, D. B., & Fitzmaurice, G. (2012). Attaining and sustaining remission in borderline personality disorder: A 10-year follow-up study. American Journal of Psychiatry, 169(5), 476–483.
